Col Creamer

Name: Col Creamer
Birth: 385
Death: 412 (Aged 27)
Cause of Death: Disappeared without a trace.
Father: ???
Son Number: 1
Successor: Aeron (first-born son)
Homeland: Salisbury
Culture: Cymric
Religion: Pagan
Ending Class: Knight Bachelor
Ending Glory: 1200
Primary Home: Sarum

Extended history here…

Act One: The Sin of Onan

Sir Col Creamer was a lusty pagan, and his marauding cock conceived a great many heirs. In fact, in the year 412 alone, he had over a dozen children by many women, and although he remembered that the first born that year was by his wife and was named Aaron or something like that, he decided he had enough heirs. So it was that when his wife asked him to lay with her, Sir Col did commit the sin of Onan and wasted his seed upon the ground, to avoid further offspring.

‘Twas a sin that Sir Col would repeatedly commit. So brazen became he that the townsfolk found him rubbing one out in yon town square one midsummer morn. As he boastfully shouted “Enough heirs have I!,” did he again commit the sin of Onan and wasted his seed upon the town square.

Brazenness became obsession, and he hounded the pagan priests who were knowledgeable in herbs for ointments. It was lanolin he craved, not that aloe-vera bullshit, and as his ladies went neglected, they beseech’d the local bishop to intervene. Though Sir Col was no Christian, the women craved his club-sized wang, and they didn’t have any better ideas.

So it came to pass that the Bishop of Sarum invited Sir Col into the Cathedral and asked him to end his sinful ways. However, Sir Col did not repent, and after he lashed the Bishop to the altar, again did he commit the sin of Onan and wasted his seed upon the Bishop’s face. Through Sir Col’s seed, the Bishop spat and cursed him and his line to be dragged to Sheol, body and soul, at the age of twenty seven (Sir Col’s present age), and to leave no trace upon the Earth.

The following winter, Sir Col disappeared with no trace but for wasted seed upon a portrait of King Constantin.

Act Two: The Rise of Sir Aeron and the Fall of his Seed

Though Aeron never knew his father, the Sin of Onan burned deep within his soul, and it was a sin that he would commit four, sometimes five, times a day. Consequently, he had few heirs, and for the sake of convenience, it was only on very cold days that Sir Aeron was seen wearing pants. Though he was eventually knighted and fought at the Battle of Carlion, he did not distinguish himself. While other knights fought bravely (you guessed it), he was too busy wasting his seed upon the battlefield to engage the enemy. With what little plunder he took, he built his vast Masturbatorium upon the Salisbury plain and staffed it with an army of pleasure dwarves.

The day before his twenty-eighth birthday, Sir Aeron vanished without a trace, save for a final tribute left upon the Altar of Carnality. He had borne only three sons: Halwyn in 439, and both Salwyn and Talorg in 440. No longer did House Creamer have a great many heirs, and penance was on the horizon.

Act Three: The Creamers Get Some Religion

The situation had become sufficiently serious that Halwyn decided it was time for House Creamer to get its act together and to stop masturbating its future away. The curse was obviously real; Halwyn had the Masturbatorium razed, and he converted to Christianity so he could repent for his father’s and his grandfather’s sinful lives.

Sir Halwyn became a noble knight indeed. He never liked Vortigern, and after fighting at the Siege of Carlion, he demonstrated great valor at the Battle of Mount Snowdon. Along with Sir Douglas, Sir Medrod and Sir Herlews, Sir Halwyn opened the gates at Mount Snowdon and allowed the main host to enter the fortress. So bravely fought he that Uther Pendragon asked him to join in his raids, and Sir Halwyn did slay many godless Saxons, Irishmen and Cambrians.

So great was Sir Halwyn’s glory, and so noble a knight was he, that the curse was thought to be most assuredly lifted. However, in 473, at the age of twenty-seven, he disappeared without a trace during the Battle of Windsor. None saw him fall, and neither his body nor his arms were taken from the battlefield. Some suggested that the Saxons had eaten him, but more whispered that the Creamers had not earned God’s forgiveness, and that the Devil took Sir Halwyn during the melee.

Sir Halwyn had but one son, Keith, and one daughter, Diantha. The Creamers had, truly, reached the end of their line.

Early life

Reign of King Constantin

Col Creamer

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